#15 Email Forwards

Christians, ever the innovative souls, have been constantly searching for new ways to spread the good news since the beginning of human existence. The apostles started the trend, using good old fashioned conversations, letters, and stump speeches to tell everyone they encountered about JC. Then, back in the 1400’s, Johann Gutenberg devised his printing press, and we had a new way of transporting the message (not to be confused with ‘The Message’, which wouldn’t be completed until 2002). Come the turn of the century, and Henry Ford provided us with yet another platform for sharing our faith. Now clothes, music, television- every cultural avenue has its Christian counterpart. Including perhaps the greatest cultural development since ol’ Joe Gutenberg’s press: the internet.

The internet, as we all know, took the world by storm. All it took was three words and the face of communication was changed forever. So it only seems right for the Christian to put their footprint on the face of email, forwarding ridiculous things left and right in the name of prosthelization.

You know what I’m talking about. We all have the aunt, the uncle, the co-worker or the church friend, who thinks that “this one’s just too good to delete without sharing.” Since the true Christian should be able to properly identify email forwards without hesitation, here is a guide to a few of the different kind of Christian email forwards that are in existence:

1. The Guilt Trip: This one has a simple formula, and it sticks with it. It describes a terrible story about a sick child whose parents have exhausted every last option to heal their kid of Cystle Meninpoliosigitiskemia, or whatever, and the only, repeat, only way to cure the poor tyke is for you to forward the very email you’re reading to twelve other sympathetic people, because each time the email is forwarded, a shiny copper penny gets donated to little Sally’s health fund.

2. The Conspiracy: Often having to do with government, this one explains how a group of evil, Satanic politicians are working behind the scenes to stamp God out of everyday life. This includes, but is not limited to unacceptable actions such as: taking “In God We Trust” off of currency, taking “one nation, under God” out of the pledge of allegiance, banning prayer (Christian prayer, that is) pretty much anywhere, or voting something other than Republican. This email typically goes on to explain that the only thing that can stop these evils is the further passing of this electronic message.

3. The Pick-Me-Up: Designed to inspire or improve upon a less-than-great day, this email often tells a story or shows a picture of people or animals fighting against incredible odds and ultimately succeeding through the power of prayer, or worship, or John 3:16. It typically ends with a moral that essentially says, “If the duck can get over the curb, then you can conquer your metaphorical curbs, because you’ve got Jesus on your side, and the duck is just a stupid duck.”

4. The Creation Slide Show (Requires Microsoft Powerpoint 2000 or later): A series of slides of landscapes from stock photography sites with Bible verses from Genesis at the bottom, i.e. this.

5. The ‘Love Thy Neighbor’: This one tells a story of honest to goodness love in the strangest of circumstances, or a situation in which someone who is really hard to love is loved by a Christian, and their life changes forever, for example, parents who become missionaries to a group of cannibals that ate their daughter in a stew. There’s always a moral about how love conquers all, or friendship exists where God exists, or love finds you where you least expect it. Pictures are also popular.

And there you have it. Granted, this only begins to scrape the surface of the depth of the Christian email forward, but these five are a good start. Be on the lookout, though. More can pop up at any time, and usually do without any advance notice.

#14 Predicting the Rapture

Popular among the more extreme conservative-leaning Christians is the idea that not only is the rapture a realistic, potential event, but it’s also likely to hit within the next, oh, say… three months or so. For the uninformed, here’s a number of resources and explanations to enhance the Christian’s knowledge on just when Jesus will be returning:

1) RaptureReady.com: Here you can find, among other things, the Rapture Index, which calculates exactly how close we as a planet are to the coming Armageddon. It takes a number of the signs of the end times listed in Revelation, and compares those signs to actual things happening in the world today, and comes to a total for each day that tells us the exact potential for impending rapture. For example, today’s reading notes that “Unemployment” is at a score of 5, “Crime Rate” scores a 4, and “Beast Government” also scores a solid 4. All told, when RaptureReady totals up the numbers from all 45 of its categories, today, April 22nd’s rating is a 167. What does that mean? Well, according to the site, 100 and below signifies “slow prophetic activity”, 100-130 means “moderate prophetic activity”, 130-160 equates to “heavy prophetic activity,” and 160 and above, where we are now, gives us the stern, yet comical warning to “Buckle your seatbelts.”

2) Jack Van Impe: This conservative television personality, who gives himself the title of Dr. Jack despite his lack of any kind of legitimate doctoral degree, claims to be an expert on the second coming of Christ and the impending rapture, and declares his website “The Bible Prophecy Portal of the Internet.” Several times during his career as a televangelist he has pointed to dates (including January 1st, 2000, or Y2K) as being the exact moment that Christ will return. Jesus has yet to show up and prove him right. Most recently, Dr. Jack has reset his official Rapture Clock for some point in 2012, so as to give himself four more years to not be wrong yet.

Dr. Jack’s theory that the rapture is nearly upon us has much to do with a Hardy Boy-esque code he devised, giving an increasing number value to each letter of the alphabet based on multiples of six (i.e. A=6, B=12, C=18 and so on) and then adding up the values of certain words to equal 666, the number of the beast. So far, Jack and the tireless interns that work for him have come up with such words and phrases as “COMPUTER,” “CALCULATION,” “NEW YORK,” and “ARAB SUICIDES” as signs that our current technologically reliant, post 9/11 society is ripe for the raptural plucking. I did some calculations of my own, and it turns out that (despite the poor grammar) the phrase “JACK IS A IDIOT” equals 666, too.

3) Left Behind II: Tribulation Force: According to this doctrine, once the rapture occurs, those left on earth will band together behind the star of “Growing Pains” (and host of “The Secrets of the Back to the Future Trilogy”) to create a defiant team of truth-spreading do-gooders who will inform the world of the evils of Nicolae Carpathia, UN secretary-general and foretold Antichrist. Soon after, it will be realized that while the view is wildly popular among some, this version of end-times theology is ultimately not profitable enough to merit film adaptations of books three through sixteen.

So now, armed with this knowledge, you should have everything you need in order to develop your very own personal Rapture theory. Once developed, make sure to spread the word of your theory to as many friends, church members, and soapbox preachers as you possibly can, and whatever you do, don’t forget to mark your calendars.

# 13- Pop/Worship Music

Modern day Christians can be separated into two groups:

On Side A, we have my mother-in-law, who listens exclusively to Christian radio and Worship CD’s. Radio stations such as KLOVE and WMBI bring you “wholesome tunes for the whole family”, which is a nice way of saying “songs featuring I-IV-V in the key of G“. These Christians from Side A are either in full stride toward Holiness or deathly afraid of pop culture. Or both.

Into Side B falls most college students, youth pastors, and Relevant Magazine. This is a divided group; while big fans of Yeshua, they also get bored of “wholesome tunes for the whole family” and would like to hear a minor key now and then. Side B, thus, tries to bridge the gap by using in church songs that might be talking about God. If that fails, a Christian band can always rewrite the words to a “secular” song into “wholesome tuns for the whole family”.

Christians have always been separated in a like manner. Since the Middle Ages, Christians have sought to make popular music slightly less cool by playing it in church. Even when Bach and Beethoven where tearing up the charts of NOW volume 2, Martin Luther and Thomas Aquinas were writing comparable tunes so the locals could tap their toes in church.

“A some-thing never fai-a-a-ling…”

As the culture has changed, so has the face of Christian music. With the hippie movement of the 60’s and 70’s came Young Life Sing-a-long songs for the campfire. You may remember such smash hits as “I am the Resurrection and the Life” and “Pharoah Pharoah” (which was purified from the explicitly-versed “Louie Louie”).

As the years go by, Christians bridge the gap between pop culture and Christendom, eventually bringing drums, long hair, and women onto the stage, things that had previously been …. well, not quite sins, but definitely iffy enough to get you assigned “casserole” at the church potluck.

Most recently, Christians have been blessed with songs that sound Christian, but actually might not be. Any readers in their teens, 20’s or 30’s may recall singing “Take Me Higher” with the arrival of the band Creed (see upcoming post on “The 90’s”). We later found out that, despite the cross tattoo and long hair, alas, Scott Stapp is no more a Christian than Axl Rose (and also equally unreliable as a lead singer during a live performance). Younger readers may recall pleading with Evanescence to “Save Me” or resonated with Death Cab for Cutie’s “Transatlanticism” [I need you so much closer]. The dance team at my own high school youth group featured songs by Linkin Park and Coldplay. The church, to the untrained eye, has become a haven for the “secular”.

Truth be told, I’m quite glad that Christendom is becoming less afraid of popular music, here’s why: Within any small sect or sub-culture, a sort of monopoly is held on the products produced within that culture for its members. This is why Christian T-shirts, Thomas Kincade, and some boring musical artists are so readily accepted; there’s nothing better out there. The concerned Christian parent thinks, “well, I don’t want my kid reading the novels that’re out there in the smut bin of Barnes and Noble. I’ll stick them with reading the Left Behind series, just to be safe.”

Lock your doors, Christians. Songs in the key of sin sound a lot like worship. You’re safer staying with wholesome tunes for the whole family.

~

#12 Picketing

“Excuse me, but I’d like to tell you a little something about what I think, if you would kindly give me the courtesy of your time.”

Irk a Christian, and these are probably the words you are least likely to hear. In all honesty, should you bother an overly opinionated Christian, you’re not likely to hear any words at all, rather you’ll be treated to some good old fashioned reading. That’s because when many Christians get upset–about politics, or sexual orientation, or pop culture–they take a unique path for stating their opinion. They don’t ask to talk about it, they don’t write a letter, they write it in big, bold, uncaring letters in colorful signs, and then hold those signs in (considering the content of the signs) terribly inappropriate places.

You have to understand–this isn’t all Christians we’re talking about, and it isn’t even most Christians. This is a select but loud few of obnoxious Christians, the kind of Christians who give all us other Christians a bad name. While we’re content to pass along chain emails and talk to our friends in the privacy of our neighborhood coffee shop about how awful “The Golden Compass” is, these shmucks have got to take the signs out and parade around in front of the movie theater like it’s some gosh darn circus.

In picketing, the Christian works with the greatest tool in his arsenal: shame. The Christian advertises something they think is shameful, and attempts to translate that shame onto others with the help of big, neon signs. That is, if I’m a non-Christian out to enjoy a casual shopping trip to my friendly neighborhood adult bookstore, and I come across a sign saying “YOU ARE A DIRTY SINNER,” then perhaps I’ll rethink my steps and turn towards the Christian bookstore instead. The thought process of the Christian is that most people don’t know just how much they’re sinning during their everyday lives, so we make it easy for them by kindly reminding them of it every time they need it (which, of course, we will decide).

In some circumstances, even other Christians don’t know that they are sinning. A family of four enjoying a Sunday matinée of the latest Tom Hanks film together might need to be reminded that the story they’re about to view is the kind of story that the Devil jovially tells his fellow demons on a warm evening in the pits of Hell. Thankfully, though, there are often picketers there to “sharpen iron,” as it were, and inform fellow Christians of the grave mistakes they are making.

It seems Christians will stop at nothing to encourage their fellow man into making wise decisions, though their teaching methods are becoming a touch tiresome. Thankfully though, they are here in even the most obscure of situations, to let us know every time we do something wrong, every time we talk to a person who differs too much from us, gently redirecting our footsteps back on the right path, informing us that God is somewhere up there in Heaven, shaking his fist at us, and thanking His lucky stars that He’s got people down on earth holding His signs for Him.

#11 Key Changes

In case you’ve never had the opportunity to sit in on a church interview for a worship leader, here’s about how it goes:

“Can you play songs in the keys of C, G, and occasionally E and A?”

“Can you play songs a half-step or whole step above or below those keys?”

“Can you play chords that sound good in between those keys?”

“You’re hired.”

An exaggeration, maybe. Still, Christians do love their key changes, mostly because they know that a key change makes everyone feel like the Holy Spirit showed up in a major way, in a major key. And since churches keep most of their worship songs to a strict I-IV-V-I progression (except for those new-fangled fancy churches that use real drums and guitars… they occasionally throw a ‘ii’ or a ‘vi’ in there) it makes transitioning up a half step or a whole step (Hallelujah!) that much easier.

For the less-than-musically-inclined, a key change is that part in the song when everything sounds a little bit more emphatic, and usually everyone starts singing louder. It usually happens after the bridge, or between choruses. It’s often done to add interest to a otherwise typical pop song (see: “You’re The Inspiration”, Chicago, “A Moment Like This”, Kelly Clarkson) or, in the interest of the church, to repeat lyrics in a more emphatic way than just playing another chorus straight. The worship leader lets you know that this time around, when we Shout To The Lord, we’re gonna mean it, and we’re going to make it a little more enthusiastic.

The only trouble is, key changes can be difficult, especially in the church. If you start in C or G (known as “Jesus’ Favorite Keys”) and move up a half or whole step, you’re looking at a minimum of two sharps (C to D), and as many as five flats (C to Db), and those notes are, well, just really super hard. This is why you’ll often hear key changes when the church choir sings with a prerecorded track–leave the key changing to the professionals, and the choir doesn’t even have to know it changed keys at all, and likely won’t.

If your worship band is talented enough to smoothly pull off the illustrious and inspirational key change, then consider yourself lucky. It increases the worship experience, making worship that much more meaningful. The thought is that raising the key ‘raises’ the congregation, thus bringing us a whole (or a half) step closer to God. Which is why there won’t be key changes in Heaven.

We’ll already be there.

#10 WOW

Back in the day, I had two CDs: NOW and WOW. NOW (Thats What I Call Music) started in 1981. It only took 15 years for us to catch on…enter WOW. I no longer needed John and Sherri Rivers, I could sing along from the comfort of my own cd player.

Every year I would be the first in line or online to place my order. They eventually came out with WOW Worship, Gospel, Christmas, The 90s, #1s, For the Children, Hymns, and Gold. Wow.

My friends will tell you I am Hillsong’s biggest fan, and still tear up every time I pack the dreams God planted - but I started to notice something.

Next time you are in church, do a quick survey. During the singing time do a quick survey of the words you sing. What’s the most common word or kind of word? Chances are that if its not first, I/me is a very close second.

So, who is worship actually about? Check out this list and first lines:

“Our God is an awesome God”

“This is the air I breathe”

“I can only imagine”

“Here I am”

With a few exceptions, the top 30 worship songs according to WOW Worship all sing temptingly close to the tune of “mememememe.” Maybe that’s not fair.

Naturally, after I completed this short survey, I turned to the Psalms - one book I consider to be a nice guide for worship (turn to Psalm 118 and count how many times you start singing to yourself). Quickly I realized we are not the only culprits - Psalm 2, 3, 4, & 5 all use the first-person. This is quite natural, the Psalms are David’s responses to God, and he consistently says, “This is what I will do in response to how great You are” or “This is how great You are, how much I screwed up, and how sorry I am.” or “You are great, help!”

It always starts with or is centered around God. I have never doubted the intentions of our heroes in the worship industry, but our songs certainly beg the question: by whom are we WOWed?

#9 Tattoos

Relevance. It’s a simple word that can (and usually does) become a tremendous reason why churches today start the programs they do, participate in the ministries they do, and pretty much exist in the form that they do. In church speak, “relevant” is a word that, when boiled down to modern English, basically means: “cool.” Churches want to be cool, they want to have coffee shops attached to their sanctuaries, to have their sermons downloaded on iTunes, and they want to play a significant role in the lives of the people around them, and they do that by being… you guessed it, relevant.

Quite often this relevance rubs off on the individual churchgoer, inspiring them to do things that are socially acceptable and “cool” outside of the church, but they put a Christian spin on it, in a way that says to the nonbeliever, “Oh you do that? Well, I do that, too, but I do it for Jesus, so there.” One such activity that has been seeing a lot of activity recently in the Christian community is tattoos.

Traditionally, tattoos were looked down upon as something that only bikers, Satanists, and African American professional athletes did, and thus Christians, or anyone featuring a decent set of morals, were to stay away from tattoos at all costs. However, that opinion has increasingly been written off as the persuasion of our parents’ generation, and just like that, tattoos are now progressive!

Many Christians view tattoos as devices for a declaration of faith, using phrases such as “marked for Christ” or “making my faith permanent.” Such phrases often come from those Christians who fear they may forget that they’re Christians entirely, and need something they can look at to remind them of that fact.

Another popular argument for the Christian tattoo is that it’s a springboard for religious conversation– it gives the Christian something they can use to relate to those people who may not normally be church-going folk. (i.e. “Hello! I noticed you gentlemen have a few tattoos. Well, I don’t know if you noticed, but I have the word ‘hope’ in Hebrew letters on the side of my left foot. Perhaps we could get coffee sometime and talk about our religious views?”)

As with all things in the church, though, acquiring tattoos should be done in moderation. Typically the Christian tattoo is limited to a small symbol in an indiscreet place, a short word or phrase in an ancient Biblical language, or a depiction of popular Biblical characters. Any further than this, and the Christian begins to stretch the limits of what is acceptable in the current popular view of the church. However, just as tattoos slowly became accepted by Christians, in time the tattoo trend should grow even more, and our horizons as to what is an acceptable Christian tattoo should broaden.

#8 The Hallmark Channel

When all that’s on television anymore is rich and spoiled teenagers, fornicating young professionals, and flagrant homosexuals, where can the Christian turn for wholesome visual entertainment? Why, the Hallmark Channel, of course! The Hallmark Channel exists to provide television programming to middle-aged-to-elderly white folks with hearts that need warming. It’s a narrow demographic, to be sure, but it’s out there, and it usually goes to church on Sundays. Unfortunately, this type of heartwarming fulfillment typically comes in the form of Columbo reruns and TV movies with names like “A Magical Season For Charlie O’Malley” or “A Grandpa For Christmas.”

See, the executives in charge of the Hallmark Channel (and Christians, to boot) believe that today’s television just isn’t what it used to be, which is why they strive to provide programming that is either from, or reminds people of, a time when life was simpler, when families gathered around the tube and watched things together, and not things that had parents jumping for the fast forward button on the TiVo every time a misplaced shower scene reared its nasty little head.

Despite all the lustful distractions on television today doing everything they can to cloud the past, there was once a time when Christian-friendly television was being produced in that sinful patch of land known as Hollywood, and it’s the Hallmark Channel’s job to deliver that very programming to nostalgic viewers. This includes, and might be limited to, “Murder She Wrote”, “Matlock”, “Touched by an Angel,” and anything starring Michael Landon.

That’s not to say the Hallmark Channel only shows reruns of old shows. There is a category of programming out there in TV land, a little two-hour jewel known as the Made-For-TV Movie, and while the major networks continually reject them for more popular, higher rated reality shows, the Hallmark Channel is pumping them out like baby rabbits. The problem with the Hallmark Channel MFTVM is twofold: first, the fact that the movie has to be on television at all means that someone who is paid to know a lot about entertainment thinks that nobody would pay nine bucks to see this movie, which is why it’s not in a theater. Secondly, movies made by Hallmark tend to take on the same characteristics that greeting cards made by Hallmark do: they’re trite, they’re insincere, and they’re forgettable.

Despite all that (or perhaps because of that) the Hallmark Channel continues to be the perfect little bastion of quality networking that the Christian can sink their teeth into. Similar to the programming itself, the Christian prides themselves most when they are inoffensive, wholesome, and softly lit. So we trade “Cribs” for “Little House on the Prairie”, “Grey’s Anatomy” for “Diagnosis Murder”, and “The Simpsons” for “Seventh Heaven,” and continue our defiant stand against the progression of popular culture, hoping that by avoiding the channels with “offensive” material, that maybe they’ll just go away.

…Maybe.

#7 Voting Republican

Most Christians in the United States would have you believe that the categories “Christian” and “Republican” are interchangeable, or at least those two terms go together like bread and butter, when in all reality, they more likely go together like bread and some new-fangled wacky toast spread that wasn’t even around or in consideration when bread was invented, but was made in a way that it would taste okay with bread, despite the fact that it doesn’t have to be eaten with bread at all, and wasn’t even made for bread in the first place.

Modern Christians, however, overwhelmingly feel as though it is their Biblical duty to punch their ballot for the GOP. Many will, if confronted about their political beliefs, assert that the Republican party best aligns with their views on topics like abortion and gay marriage. If having a political discussion (with other Christians, of course) Christians can talk for hours on those two topics alone, with brief stopovers on topics like taking God out of the Pledge of Allegiance (bad), tax breaks for faith-based organizations (good), or stem-cell research (murder).

In the media, politicians are often depicted attending church services, and Christians will respond differently to those images depending on whether or not that politician is a Republican or a Democrat. If a Christian sees a Republican in a church service, they will think, “What a kind, God-fearing politician. He obviously shares my beliefs and I shall vote for him.” Whereas, if the politician is a Democrat, the Christian will respond with, “How dare that baby-murdering hippie be allowed in a house of worship! Certainly this must be a denomination much different than my own!”

Jesus, however, wasn’t a Republican. Last checked, the Republican party was created in 1854, which, according to our modern calendar, is somewhere in the neighborhood of 1,854 years after Jesus was born (or 1,858 to 1,860 years, if you ask most Biblical scholars, who assert that the birth of Christ occurred between 4 and 6 BC/BCE, using the death of Herod the Great as a reference mark, but we’re straying from the point, here). Still, Jesus was not a Republican (or a Democrat, for that matter) and did not go around with a McCain bumper sticker on the back of his camel.

The Christian, though, believes that the elephant party is the party for Jesus, and that were he alive today, Jesus would oppose gun control, enforce capital punishment, bomb Iraq, and oppose stricter environmental protection laws, which is why, when voting, the Christian always asks, WWJVF? The answer is pretty clear, though. Remember? Jesus can’t vote, he’s not American.

#6 Christian Celebrities

You’re sitting at lunch with a group of college students on a retreat. The topic of sports is at hand; Tom Brady’s boot, the rise and fall of Shaq, A-Rod, Tiger Woods.

“I love Tiger” quips one student.

“Tiger’s the man” I say.

“Why? He’s not a Christian” another responds. And thus the games begin.

“Tony Dungy’s a Christian” says one, “So is Shaun Alexander.”

We ooh and ahh respectively at our heroes’ faith, and impressive knowledge thereof. “Reggie White was a Christian” “And Lovie Smith!” “So is Deion Sanders” I say.

It is not uncommon for any discussion of celebrities’ merit to come back to one question: are they one of us? Do they point their finger to the air, wear a cross around their neck, slip Bible verses into songs, and thank Jehovah for their Grammy? Moments like these are my favorite in Christendom. Like Christians cheering as Constantine picked our faith to help him win the Battle of Milvian Bridge, many cheer today when they find out a superstar was dipped in holy water. The conversation changes to our days in middle school.

“Hey guys, remember the Backstreet Boys?” one student shouts, picking fun at their own childhood fantasies. Yes, unfortunately we all remember the best selling boy-band of all time. We laugh and reminisce, some admitting to attending two or seven concerts.

One girl gets defensive, “Did you know they are all strong Christians?” Silence. Game over. The jury is no longer out on Brian, Nick, Howie, and A.J. Never mind 15 years of tortuously bad music, they are Christians. And that’s why we love them.